With a Little Help from My Friends
by DeeLeeTeedWriter
Summary: Cuddy gets shot, what does House and Wilson do about it? OT3 with my lame attempt at comedy.


With a Little Help from My Friends

"Mm, I get high with a little help of my friends. Mm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends."

-the Beatles,

By: Ophelia Forbes

Disclaimer: The ones you don't know are mine, the ones you do aren't.

Summary: Cuddy gets shot, what does Wilson and House do about it?

Pairings: OT3, I think. In a crackfic way. Is this a crackfic? I don't know what crackfic is...not really.

Warning: I seriously suck at comedy, this is my lame attempt. You have been warned.

**With a Little Help from My Friends**

The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was…white.

Wait.

She closed her eyes again then slowly opened them…there.

Still white.

The next thing she saw was a small white straw.

She opened her eyes again then heard someone say, "Drink up, but just enough to wet whatever's dry though in your case it might travel just a little bit lower and this won't help much."

Catching the straw, she took a zip, almost cursing out loud when her throat felt raw…but she really couldn't anyway, raw and all.

"If you're wondering, yes, you'll be fine. You'll be back on your fuck-me heels and be up and running like the bitch goddess you are."

She knew that voice. Scruffy, gruff, yet at the same time _almost _warm.

She knew that voice too well.

"…ahh-fuh..wuh…?"

What the hell happened to her tongue?

She heard him let out something that almost sounded like a giggle, "Oh, I could put this on youtube…"

"Yu…fwuh!?"

He laughed. "Now this is one side me likey…"

"Fff…pfft," she gave up for the moment, blowing a raspberry slowly as she exhaled.

She wanted to get up and smack him, making fun of her while she was…What was she, anyway? What happened to her? Why did she sound like a retarded monkey on morphine? Horror and panic came, _oh god, _did she have a _stroke_?

Machines began to beep.

"Hey! Hey, calm down, rocket. You're fine, jeez. Don't be such a queen, you're gonna call in the white squad and they're not so fun, you know."

She willed her breathing back to normal, as well as her heart rate. "F…" what the hell was with her and F words today? Damn it. _All right, get it together. _"Wuh…wuht…"

"What happened?" came the helpful fill-in.

"Yuh…huh."

"You don't remember? Interesting."

Suddenly she saw him leaning in, penlight in hand and another hand reaching for her face. She squirmed. "Sit still or I'll tie you down."

She did…_why the hell for?_

He tested her pupils, making her groan and did it just a little bit longer, as she assumed, to annoy her more then moved to listen to her heartbeat, head on her chest despite the heart monitor standing obviously beside her bed and the stethoscope around his neck. "Pupils are responsive, breasts still firm."

"Fwuh!" she huffed.

"Okay," he said as he sat back. "Dig this: guy comes in, wild as a…well, wild like you when you're trying to drag my poor, but oh-so-hot ass to clinic while screeching—in a very hot way—like a hyena. He pulls out a gun and demands drugs, takes two of your precious clinic windows down and then _you_, my hot little warrior, comes barging out of…exam room two, I think, and you tell him to, and I quote with glee, _'to put the gun down or get the hell out'_. Next, he's pissed, tells you to shut the hell up and then you tell him you own this beautiful glass kingdom and don't care for pieces of crap like him then you call him, and again, I quote, _'motherfucker'_ and tell him security has been called to throw his ass out…next thing you know, boom, you're bleeding, your precious little soldier comes in, obviously too late, fires one—little hyena on crack tries to shoot back, taking another of your windows then your warrior in blue makes shot number two then boom. He's down, you're down, your little soldier calls for more soldiers even if he's killed the guy then…well, that's it. All in all, it was a damned good show. Don't think I've ever had that much fun in clinic ever."

She groaned, then _shit_, bad idea. Even that hurt. "Noooo…"

"Yes," he said, nodding, not looking at all happy or gleeful. In fact, he was looking rather morose, despite his last claim. "Got you one good battle wound just under your ribs. You had Gilick shaking in his scrubs for a moment there, you little minx."

He definitely needed to stop with the nicknames, _idiot._

"Wuh-eee?"

"Touch and go for a moment, hit that little weird lump that looks like a ginormous wiggly pink and red maggot called the small intestine. Gilick didn't want to be remembered as the guy who killed his boss or the guy who gave his boss the _ugliest _set of stitches and get his ass canned. He did good and fast, under pressure. Five stitches with a lovely little souvenir," he pulled out a small bottle and shook it, making small ticking sounds.

She recognized it, despite her doped up state then she _whimpered._

Whimper? _She _just _whimpered _in front of _him_. Nooooo…she needed to get out. This was total _mindfuck_.

"You can, like, turn it into a thingy around your neck, or something, wouldn't that, like, be sooo awesome?" he chirped in a perfect imitation of a true Valley Girl.

She groaned. "Waaaaaahhh…"

"Don't want it?" he asked, in his normal, scruffy voice now. "Cool. Mine!"

She rolled her eyes—damn, bad idea _again_.

"So, like I said, totally whooped Gilick fixed you up, Jimmy's set you on some seriously _awesome _painkillers—morphine's there and it's high enough so I'm sure you don't feel any ouchie, but I'm willing to bet my bike that you're still pretty doped up."

"Wuh?" she pouted. "No…"

House grinned. "Really? Then…" he leaned forward, her eyes following him until he disappeared too far from her view then sat back once more after a less than two minutes.

"There we go," he said, smiling. "That should help you along, my beloved Cuddy-kins."

"Wha? Hawssss…" she muttered, looking at him with suspicious eyes.

He was up to something, she just knew it. What? She didn't know…

In fact, she didn't want to know.

"Feel any better?" he asked, slowly.

She stopped then suddenly she felt…_fine_. "Yeaaaahhhh."

The she grinned stupidly, making his cheeks turn red with glee. "Haaawwwwssssss."

_What the hell did he do?_

"Feeling a bit…dopey?" he asked, grinning.

"Hmhm…Naaaaaah meeeee…" she mumbled, smiling. "Haaawwwsss…"

"Oh, yeah. You are," he said with gleeful clapping. "That was hot, by the way."

"…Yuh, eel beet," she mumbled. "Mawfeen good…"

"Ah, you finally see the light? I should have shot you myself a long time ago."

She frowned. "Nah funneeee."

"Yes, it is, only it's me so it's funny to me but not to you," he stopped. "Oh, look, I'm trying to rationalize with a high as a kite Dead o' Med'cine."

She frowned. "Nah hiiiigh. Nah meeeeee…"

He grinned. "Oh, wait 'til Jimmy sees this."

"Wee-sun? Naaaah," she whined.

As if on cue, the doors to her room slid open to reveal a frazzled James Wilson.

"Jimmy!"

"Wee-sun!"

They'd both said it the same time that Wilson had to stare before clambering to her bed side, his hand finding hers comfortingly.

"Cuddy, you're awake. Thank god."

"Great assessment, Dr. Wilson, no wonder everyone is just _dying _for you to tell them they're dying. You have a knack for finding the obvious."

They both frowned at him, before Wilson turned back to the patient.

"Cuddy—Lisa, are you feeling better?"

"Yuh-huh…Thangyew, Jeewmy."

"Oh, still on morphine. Good."

"She's a bit high."

"Oh."

"I upped them."

"What? House!"

"Hawws!" she snapped, glowering at him. "Nah hiiigh!"

"See? Just little dopey," House grinned happily.

"Naaaah meeee…" she grinned at Wilson. "Hiiiii Jeewmy."

"And a bit speech impaired…" Wilson mumbled.

"And incoherent, but I think that's normal for her, right?" House added.

"Gew ou'!" Cuddy frowned at House.

"Not a chance, no way am I missing a second of this."

"House."

"What, Jimmy? I'm just concerned here, I need to make sure my boss is fine."

"She is and she wants you out," Wilson said, shaking his head before turning back to Cuddy, smiling. "I'm so glad you're okay, Lisa. We were so worried about you."

"Gotta be when she's the one signing your checks that keeps all 3 ex-missus Wilsons alive, right?"

"Greg."

Cuddy shook her head, smiling her uncontrollable doped up stupid smile. "Ees ohtay, Jeewmy, ees ohtay."

"Leese, are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"Yahp!" came the cheery reply.

"Do you want anything?" Wilson asked, pulling out something from his pocket.

"Nah meeee," Cuddy said, grinning. "Oooh…"

Wilson stopped, penlight on and raised. House watched Cuddy as she stared off into space, grinning stupidly and watching something that apparently entranced her.

"Pweeddeee…" a shaky hand rose, grabbing something in the air. Immediately, her hand closed and she brought it to her chest, keeping it to herself. "Jeewmy."

"What have you got there?" House asked, grinning. He turned to Wilson, giddily whispering, "_She's freaking delusional!_"

"Nah!" she scowled at House. "Jeewmy."

"Yes, Lisa?" Wilson asked, leaning towards her, tentatively, putting the pen down, only to have her cry out.

"Nah!" she cried, clawing suddenly at the air. "Nah! Nah! Spackle! Spackle!"

Wilson was suddenly in a panic, "Lisa, it's okay. There's nothing there—"

"Spackle! SPACKLE!" she pointed at something.

Wilson pushed for the call button, "We need—"

"Nah!" Cuddy cried, slapping his hand away from the call button. "Nah! Spackle!"

"Lisa, what—"

Then suddenly House burst out laughing, making Wilson stare at him as Cuddy struggled, grabbing his wrist while chanting the foreign word she seemed to think he should understand and know.

"House, would you stop laughing and get off your ass?" Wilson yelled. "I need help!"

House was still laughing as he reached for Wilson's penlight. With a flick, he turned it on, aiming it on the metallic lamp on top of the bed, letting the light jump. Cuddy stared then stopped, letting go of Wilson's wrist, giggling to herself.

"Hee," she said, pointing again. "Dey spackle…"

She grabbed something in the air again, then closed her fist against her chest. She smiled at Wilson, "Jeewmy."

"Yes?" Wilson asked, leaning forward again.

She leaned toward him conspiratorially, "Dey spackle."

"What does that even mean?" Wilson asked House, leaning away from a grinning Cuddy, giggling as she stared at her cupped fingers, seemingly oblivious of their presence now. Breathing in and out after the struggle, Wilson stared at House. "And why did she throw a tantrum?"

"The light was bouncing from the metal surface, apparently they're showing her some interesting things because," House was red with laughter, giggling to himself as well. "They _sparkle_."

"Derw pweedddeeee," Cuddy said, apparently content now, her hand reaching again in the air, catching something only she could see then cradling it to herself only to start giggling again. "Derw pweeddeee, witle staws…"

House and Wilson stared at each other before bursting out in laughter.

"Did she just say _pretty little stars_?" Wilson asked, giggling, seemingly forgetting his duties as his boss' attending.

"Yup," House said, laughing. "And our Dean of Medicine is _high_. Now _that's _sexy."

Cuddy giggled again, hands on the bed now, seemingly have lost interest to her former source of fun, "Weesun…gew me babu bah…"

Wilson and House stopped, staring at her. "What did you say, Lisa?"

"Babu bah," she said again, looking frustrated.

"You don't want the stars now?"

"Nah. 'Uh mow spackle…" she pouted in a very child like way that made Wilson melt.

"What do you want?"

"_Babu bah!_" even while high, she could convey irritation quite well.

Wilson looked at House, "You speak high, what is she saying?"

House stared at his boss. "What do you want, Cuddy?"

"_**Babu bah!**_" she cried again, pulling at her hospital gown. "BABU BAAAAHHHHH!"

Wilson tried to stop her from undoing the ties to her gown, "Lisa, be careful, your stitches…"

"**BABU BAH!"**

House stopped, "Wilson."

"What?" Wilson was once again locked in a struggle with the smaller woman.

Cuddy scathingly ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated as they caught in dry tangles. "Shammppaaah! Shammppaaah! 'Ondishuneeeer!"

House grinned at Wilson, "Tell me you got that one."

"I don't…"

"_Shampoo and conditioner_."

Wilson's eyes widened.

House smirked, "And the other one was…_bubble bath_."

"Ugh!" Cuddy grunted, successfully untying her gown now. "Babu bah…" she muttered to herself, her hair a mess now as a pout formed on her face.

"I'll get the soap," House said happily, limping to the bathroom. "Wilson, get the girl!"

Wilson stared at Cuddy who was now grinning happily, playing with the ties to her gown, smiling at him. "Weesun?"

"Yes, Lisa?"

"Ge' nakeeeee?"

Wilson almost fell out of his seat. "_What_?"

_That_ one he understood quite well.

Cuddy pulled on the strings, "Nakeeeee…babu bah?"

"_HOUSE!"_

"Coming, dear," House's laughter resounded from the bathroom.

-o0o0o0o0o0o-

Yes, I know this was pure crap and you read it so poo on me and you. Are apologies needed?

My next update to my other fic will come soon. My brain just needed to breathe a little and this is the crap it came up with. See how terrible this is? My IQ dropped ten points, I need sleep then I'll work on my updates. Promise.

Although...

A high, doped up Cuddy would be fun to watch.


End file.
